At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
