There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So many bounce houses so little time
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
