Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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