My sheets look like a crime scene.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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