I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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