apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
