I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
