Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
