There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
