Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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