Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
