Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
