Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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