I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
