Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
