brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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