i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
