Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
