God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I am midnight drunk by noon
Acid is not a monday night drug
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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