I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Hippo gnu deer
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
