I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
