There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
