11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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