I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
