Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
