If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We have started to decorate penises.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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