she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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