you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
