Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
