the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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