Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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