imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
