Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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