I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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