Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
