Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
