the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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