Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
