WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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