if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
