she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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