A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
