did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
