Even the bartender felt bad for me
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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