You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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