Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
