Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I need to calm my uterus...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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