Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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