I need to stop coming to work sober
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
