god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
